Hello everyone and welcome to FPG’s live Fastlane 2018 coverage! It’s Stewart in for Sean, so I apologise in advance that it’s not nearly as detailed or professional as usual, but I can promise that the coverage will be 200% saltier towards WWE programming and I can also promise that I may go to my bed halfway through the coverage and finish it tomorrow. If that happens, then I can only apologise.
I’m joking, by the way. I won’t give up, I’ll just get drunker and angrier, therefore more entertaining. I’ll not be providing full play-by-play, just random thoughts throughout matches followed by a summary afterwards.
Keep refreshing the page to get up to date thoughts on the card!
Random Pre-show Thoughts:
-Nakamura Vs Rusev? Who’d have thought one of these guys is heading to the “main-event” of Wrestlemania…..
-Ruby Riott has no chance.
– Six Pack Challenge seems a mess waiting to happen.
-Carmella is going to cash in and lose.
-Jinder Mahal is a terrible promo.
Tye Dillinger & Breezango Vs Shelton Benjamin, Chad Gable & Mojo Rawley
Wasn’t Mojo Rawley a heel, last time I paid attention? Righto, then. Maybe I misunderstand and Gable/Benjamin are the heels. Who knows, anymore. Tye Dillinger absolutely deserves better than this. My other TV signed itself out of Netflix so while fixing it for my better half I’ve missed almost all of this match. Fandango misses a dropkick so badly you’ll see it on Botchamania. Mojo tells the crowd he doesn’t care about being a wrestler… what? Smackdown Live seems like it’s on self destruct mode at the moment. Tye pins Mojo and it’s such a climactic ending they don’t show a replay. Good times.
Winner: Tye Dillinger & Breezango
Fucking hell this is going to be a loooooooong night.
It’s time to POINT AT THE SIGN BECAUSE IT’S THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA, BABY!
Shinsuke Nakamura Vs Rusev
Remember a few weeks ago when one of these guys won the Royal Rumble? Now he’s opening a show against a glorified jobber in Rusev? Who even seriously thinks that Nakamura Vs Styles has a snowballs chance in hell of main eventing Wrestlemania? Wrestle Kingdom? Sure. A WWE event with Ronda Rousey on it? Fuck off. Anyway, we have the best pure wrestler on the roster against the most over wrestler on the roster against each other in a pointless match with zero payoff right before one of them is up for the championship at Wrestlemania. If I hadn’t seen Nakamura elsewhere I’d wonder what the fuck the deal with him was, he’s so bland and uninteresting on WWE TV. They work WWE “strong style” for a little while, which is painful to watch after any period of time watching any indy promotion. What even happens if Rusev wins? He won’t, like, but still. Remember the good old days when the Rumble winner would have stakes to face at the mid-Mania season PPV? Nakumura lands the inevitable win here, then points at the Wrestlemania sign for a bit.
Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura
Who even cares.
United States Championship: Randy Orton Vs Bobby Roode (c)
Well, this is a match. Other than Bobby Roode’s entrance, I don’t feel like we’ve much reason to care about him either. Roode vs Orton feels like it should be a dream match, but I just have been given no reason to care. The fact we’re likely to see Jinder Mahal doesn’t help. Jinder watches TV awkwardly backstage as they suck the life out of the live crowd in the ring. There’s nothing I can say about this match so far other than it’s every WWE match over the last 7/8 years. Chinlock city, bitch. This is the sort of match that makes me wonder how people get into watching wrestling now, as opposed to watching it through habitual insanity. There’s absolutely nothing good about this at all. Eventually we get a superplex and that’s kinda cool but it’s a bump literally nobody cares about. We also keep getting ads for Tapout deodorant and I can’t think of anything worse. Anyway, we get an RKO out of nowhere and a new champion.
Winner AND NEW United States Champion: Randy Orton
We get Mahal out after the match in his wrestling gear, but Roode hits the Glorious DDT on Mahal and then another on Orton. His music plays, thankfully he doesn’t leave happy unlike they usually do on WWE TV.
We get a promo for Rousey/Angle Vs Triple H/Steph. Stephanie isn’t as hot as she used to be a few months ago.
Sami tells Kevin that he won’t let him down tonight. They’ll get their Mania pre-show match, somehow.
Naomi & Becky Lynch Vs Carmella & Natalya
I honestly wish I cared about this but I’ve no idea what this match is for. Isn’t Carmella the money in the bank holder? She should be waiting to cash in. I wish I had anything to say about this match, but I just don’t understand why it’s happening at all. Carmella gets the win after Natalya holds the money in the bank contract up, then Carmella hits a super kick. No idea what went on at the end of that, it was an utter fucking shambles.
Winners: Carmella & Natalya
I absolutely hate the New Day.
WWE Tag Team Championship: Usos(c) Vs New Day
I’m actually intrigued by this. The story going in has been that the Usos haven’t been on the main card at Mania, like ever. So I bet New Day wins and they don’t again, because that seems to be WWE booking nowadays. The thing is that these teams have great chemistry, but we’ve seen it so many times now it’s lost all novelty. I don’t feel like there’s much they can do that will impress any more.
If you’re still reading this live, then you’re doing well. If you’ve made it this far without watching the show, please, PLEASE don’t watch this show.
Surely Kofi and Woods is the weakest combination of New Day? Freebird Rules are weird. Anyway, we get the Bash Brothers, I mean the Bludgeon Brothers out instead of a clean ending to this match. They wipe everyone out with their toy hammers. The neon couple from the late 90’s is in the front row. Highlight of the show, so far. This is the absolute dirt worst event I’ve ever sat up for.
Result: No Contest.
WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship: Ruby Riott Vs Charlotte (c)
Honestly guys, this is an absolute abominaiton of a show. Ruby Riott has the worst voice I’ve ever heard cut a promo. This coverage is the only reason I’m still awake right now, because I know I won’t watch it tomorrow to finish this later.
We’ve hit the entrances and I’m calling it on live coverage. A damning inditement on Smackdown Live and it’s matches, but I genuinely cannot make it through this event. It’s made the worst WWE production I’ve ever tried to watch. God help Wrestlemania.
Asuka came out, danced weirdly and fucked off. Great.
Six Pack Challenge WWE Championship: AJ Styles (c) Vs John Cena Vs Baron Corbin Vs Sami Zayn Vs Kevin Owens Vs Dolph Ziggler
The only thing keeping me awake is anything other than an AJ win. Let’s go.
Wait, Shane is here. Everyone pops for him. Am I watching another show than these bastards?