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WWEekly Review #11

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RAW

The first 10 minutes was Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman talking up the beating to Reigns. Reigns appeared, beat up Lesnar, but Roman wasn’t 100% so Lesnar came out on top. Who really cares. (If I seem in a bad mood it’s because WWE sucks right now)

Nia Jax v Mickie James. This match was everything I expected, and less. Nia shows power, Alexa gets involved, Mickie goes for the knee but still loses. Nia shouts at Alexa. It’s like a freaking soap opera. As much as I love and worship the Goddess, it’s time someone else had a title run. Nia isn’t the smoothest in the ring but wouldn’t be the worst choice.

Cedric Alexander and Mustafa Ali v Drew Gulak and TJP. 205 live has gotten really good to watch since Triple H took charge, but on Raw Vince still calls the shots so it sucked balls.

Miz TV with Rollins and Balor. Everyone has a fight. Whatever.

Asuka v Jamie Frost (jobber). Frost was all confident but got KNOCKED. THE. FUCK. OUT with one kick.

Woken Matt Hardy enters the Andre the Giant battle royal. Sasha and Bayley argueing and finally fight.  Woop.

BRAAAUUUNNN Strowman v Sheamus. Braun still needs a tag partner for Wrestlemania. A couple of  names floating about are Elias and Bray Wyatt, I’m hoping it’s the former but in Vince’s WWE it won’t be anyone we actually want. As far as the match goes, we again see how good Sheamus or Cesaro are in single competition. Braun throwing Sheamus around like a cruiserweight is just ridiculous in the best possible way. Braun wins.

Ronda Rousey beat the fuck out of Mandy Rose. Still looks a bit sloppy in the ring but she’s going from instinctual fighting to scripted sports-entertainment in quite a short time so I can’t hold it against her.

Gallows/Anderson v Miztourage. Gallows and Anderson win. Whatever.

Elias v Rhyno. Elias wins. Whatever.

John Cena v Kane. No DQ match. As much as Cena tried to make him look good, Kane bumbles about the ring like he’s drunk, needing time after the simplest move to recover. Cena sitting up like The Undertaker was just insulting. He also did the worst Chokeslam I’ve ever seen. Of course he won though. Called out Taker again. Really got insulting. Fuck off Cena.

SMACKDOWN

We start in a GLORIOUS way with Bobby Roode teaming up with Randy Orton v Jinder Mahal and Sunil Singh. However, Sunil was “injured” so he got instead, Rusev. Rusev is still over, Jinder still sucks ass, Roode and Orton are still great. Orton isn’t the Viper he used to be and Roode clocked up many miles in TNA, but can still go. It was pretty much Roode on his own until Orton decided o tag himself in, chaos ensued, Orton RKO’d Roode and Rusev hit the Super kick for the win. All expected really, but Rusev surely has to be in the US title match now?

Becky Lynch v Ruby Riott. Dreadful match. Boring, predictable and went on too long for what it was. The shame is, both are so much better than this.

Daniel Bryan comes out to address the aftermath of last week. Basically, he announces what we all knew- Owens and Zayn v Shane and Daniel. If Shane and Daniel win, Owens and Zayn remain fired. If Owens and Zayn win, they’re rehired. It may not happen, as Shane has diverticulitis (look it up, it sucks) but the plans remain in place.

The New Day v Bludgeon Brothers. The Bludgeon demolishing New Day before the Usos got involved. Nothing about this mattered. Whatever.

Dolph Ziggler v Tyler Breeze. I dunno what the fuck was happening and I really don’t care.

Shinsuke Nakamura v Shelton Benjamin. Shin won. Bengable attacks Styles. Shin helps and punks out AJ. Yup.

NXT

Ah, the one shining beacon of hope in the shitty river that is the WWE right now. Chiampa starts us outside for some reason, after talking to Regal we’re getting the match we’ve all wanted for months – Chiampa v Gargano in an unsanctioned match at Takeover New Orleans. Regal also announces the NXT North American title. Before he can announce anything else, EC3! Who bigs himself up and stays as arrogant as he was in TNA, which is why he got to where he is right now. We’re getting a 6-man ladder match at NOLA- EC3, Adam Cole, Velveteen Dream, Killian Dain, Richocet and Lars Sullivan. Should be amazing.

Street Profits v Authors of Pain (DRTTC semi-final) App made short work of them because Ford was fucking around with his cup and Paul Ellering. GODDAMN IT I expect better from NXT.

Lars Sullivan v Local Jobber. Sullivan wins. Easily. Fucks sake.

Dakota Kai v noone because Almas beating up Black outside was more important. It spilled into the ring. Whatever.

SAnitY v Strong/Dunne (DRTTC semi-final) a great match with 4 of the best right now. Strong is maybe the hardest worker in all of WWE, he deserves any opportunity he gets. Teamed with The Bruiserweight, they make a pretty good team. SAnitY are as normal, pretty good together if not a little odd. Surprisingly, Dunne/Strong win with a weird side slam/bitter end double team that didn’t look as great as it sounds. This almost made up for the shit week of WWE. Almost.

 

 

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